This was just a quick outfit I threw on to do some errands and go to the eyedoctor but I thought it was pretty cute & I don't think I ever posted on this cute top I got a few months ago that I've been wearing pretty often. I love that it has a peplum bottom AND a back cut out. Kind of awesome. Simple but basic.
I got these jeans a few years ago in an American Eagle in DC when my mom and sister were pushing me to get trendy white jeans. These are the closest I'll come to owning white pants, I'm pretty sure. I really love how they look with heels but for today I stuck with flats due to the the glamourless factor of what the day promised.
I've been thinking a lot on love, on want, on need.
I've been really rigorous with writing this week which I'm really proud of but I have also been remiss in that I overlooked bills that I really should have paid and now have to suffer until I don't owe any more money.
I've also been thinking maybe, once again, I've been to hard on the main love interest in my life, who I've made several attempts to break up this year alone but I can't help but miss.
I came clean with my mother and admitted the real reasons we split & she thinks I am just expecting too much.
Why should I expect perfect and demand perfect when I'm not?
& Why should I expect so much control and so little compromise?
While it seems like a great idea to just date and break up and fall in love and fall out of love and get back together after said falling in love bubbles burst, it is really taxing on the heart and conscious.
It's selfish of me to just float back and forth around the country and between countries and leave behind shells of unformed relationships, or semiformed relationships.
What I need, and I know I need, is to just pick one and really put in the time to work on it and with the person that deserves my whole self rather than the detached nonsense I've been clinging to.
It doesn't even have anything to do with self confidence or ego so much as it has to do with my own lack of certainty and my baggage in the form or both heartbreak and responsiblilities.
.
Being in a relationship with me means dealing with my health problems, my eyes, & the fact that I don't drive.
It means allowing me to keep journals without fearing you will breach that trust.
It means allowing me to dissect you with my hands and with my words in the form of poetry.
It means that I expect someone that is as strong mentally and physically as me.
That isn't afraid to look Death in the eye and not blink. Who can hold my hand when I'm at the hospital and make me feel better by just being there.
My friends tell me its doubtful that this man is the One. It is doubtful that any man who doesn't love language and books the way that I do to sustain a healthy relationship. It is doubtful that any man who fears my meeting his mother so much that he goes out of his way to avoid the situation...even missing his own college graduation which I looked forward to attending. I don't just want to be a girlfriend, I want to be part of his family just as much as I am part of mine.
Maybe it's not about being with him because he is the One. Maybe it is about being with him because I miss him and I am leaving soon either way. Maybe we should just enjoy our time. I leave in July for Arizona and August for Israel.
I feel like I am falling for someone new, a Turkish exchange student I met a year ago in college that I've been friends with along. The sparks that fly between us still burn and he seems to fit into my idea of Perfection. The accent, the look, the musical talent, the penchant for reading & quick humor. I could picture it, the wedding, maybe in Turkey or Israel with me in a white dress and he in his military uniform (he has to commit to 2 years of military work he completes his dual degree).
But the truth is that I could picture my wedding with multiple exes, crushes, and lost loves.
It makes life that much more confusing when the options seem so limitless.
For now, I am simply going to let time slip into something more comfortable.
I am going to keep my pining to minimum and take as many shifts at my job as possible to pay off my bills.
That's all of my ranting for now & here's a song I've been drawn to lately.
I remember loving 'The Ocean Breathes Salty' by Modest Mouse back in the day and I couldn't help but be pleasantly impressed with the version by Sun Kil Moon when it came on my jango the other day.
It's amazing. It really helps you focus more on the heavy lyrics and softness of the feelings.
Here any good songs lately?
Fall in love with anyone this past lifetime?
xx
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